He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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