It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
