we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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