I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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