Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
sex in a hospital.. check
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
