i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Are we still banned from the library?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
