i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
