went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
