I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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