I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
