How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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