dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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