That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
