I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
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