Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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