I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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