Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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