So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
