i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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