omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
