I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
