Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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