I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
