His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
