i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
