you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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