Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
