im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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