Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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