I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
