i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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