tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
