I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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