Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
