"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
