Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I supernannyed him into submission
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
