umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
