He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
