The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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