Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
they need to just BURY HIM!
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
