my phone needs a breathalizer
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
