If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
