Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
