Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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