I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
