U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
