the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
