I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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