My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
They took my balls.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
