Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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