Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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