She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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