shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
