dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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